I was looking back at some of the things I’ve talked about on the podcast, and I realized there are a few topics that could really use a revisit. Especially the ones I covered early on, the ones that made a huge difference in my life and my coaching clients’ lives. That’s why I decided to bring back the concept of “The Manual.”
This concept has literally been a game-changer in every single area of our lives and whether you’ve heard me talk about it before or not, it’s still one of the most important tools I’ve ever used, both professionally and personally.
If you’re not sure what “The Manual” is, let me ask you something—have you ever been frustrated because someone isn’t doing what you want? Maybe it’s your spouse, your kids, or even someone at work. We’ve all been there, right?
In this episode I want to tell you (or maybe reintroduce) to something that could explain why you’re feeling that way. It’s called “The Manual.” It’s kind of like having an instruction book in your head for how other people should act.
Here’s the thing—we all have these unwritten “Manuals” for people without even realizing it. But the problem is, if we’re not careful, they can cause way more stress than we need in our lives.
When I first learned about this, it hit me hard. I realized I had really specific “Manuals” for everyone in my life—full of expectations and rules. And here’s the problem: most of the time, we don’t even tell people about these expectations. We just assume they should know!
Can you imagine if your spouse had this huge book of rules about how you should act, but you never got to see it? They’d walk around annoyed because you weren’t following the rules you didn’t even know existed. Crazy, right?
The truth is, we expect people to follow our rules without ever telling them what they are, and then we get upset when they don’t. It’s a recipe for constant frustration.
We all have these invisible “Manuals” with things like, “My husband should take out the trash without me asking” or “My friend should text me more often.” But here’s the catch: when we tie our happiness to other people doing things our way, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. People aren’t mind readers!
It’s super important to remember that everyone has their own way of doing things. What’s obvious to us might not even be on someone else’s radar, and that’s where “The Manual” trips us up.
When people don’t follow our “Manual,” we make it mean something about us. We think, “They don’t care about me” or “They’re not respecting my needs,” when in reality, they might just not know what we’re expecting.
In the end, we have zero control over other people’s actions. Trying to control them is like trying to steer a car you’re not even in.
So instead of waiting for people to magically follow your “Manual,” how can you take responsibility for your own happiness? That’s what we’re going to dive into today.
This week, I’m going to discuss the problem with “The Manual” and how to drop your Manuals.
The problem with “The Manual”
So, like I mentioned before, “The Manual” is basically this mental rulebook we’ve written for other people. It’s a list of things we expect them to do—but here’s the kicker: we never actually tell them about it!
Think about it—imagine you had a detailed guide on how your spouse should act, like “Take out the trash every Tuesday, compliment me daily, and never leave dishes in the sink.” But your spouse has no idea this guide exists. That’s where the problem comes in.
We all do this. We have these invisible Manuals for the people around us, and then we tie our emotions to whether or not they follow them. So, if they don’t follow “The Manual,” we feel upset, hurt, or angry. But if they do, we feel happy, appreciated, or connected.
It’s kind of like handing someone else the remote control to your emotions, right? It’s basically setting ourselves up for disappointment, because we’re expecting other people to follow rules they don’t even know about.
And again, people don’t even know these Manuals exist! They’re just living their lives while we’re getting frustrated that they aren’t following these unwritten rules.
For example, maybe you expect your friend to call you every week. If they don’t, you feel neglected, but meanwhile, they have no idea you even had that expectation! It’s not fair to them, and it’s exhausting for us.
It’s easy to think it’s reasonable to have these expectations, but when reality doesn’t match what we expect, we just end up feeling let down. Like, maybe you expect your partner to remember every anniversary or event at your kid’s school. And when they forget, it’s easy to feel unloved or unimportant, even though their forgetfulness has nothing to do with how much they care.
One of the most important things to remember is that adults—just like us—have the freedom to do whatever they want. Just like you wouldn’t want someone else dictating your every move, it’s unrealistic to expect others to follow your unspoken rules.
Here’s the real issue: we think that if other people would just behave the way we want, we’d be happy. But, honestly, it almost never works out that way.
I realized this with my own kids. I always had this unspoken expectation that they should be super close growing up and always have each other’s backs. I had this whole “Manual” in my head about how siblings should get along, and I tried to control their relationship to fit that image.
Whenever they fought or didn’t seem close enough, I’d feel frustrated and think, “Why can’t they just be closer?”
I found myself constantly trying to manage their relationship, stepping in during their arguments or trying to force them to spend more time together. I thought that if I could just get them to be closer, we’d all be happier.
But it only caused more tension. The more I pushed, the more they resisted, and I felt like I was failing at bringing them together.
But here’s what changed: when I finally dropped my “Manual” and stopped expecting them to have this perfect sibling relationship, things started to shift. I let go of the need to control how they interacted and just allowed them to figure out their dynamic on their own. I focused on supporting them individually instead of trying to force the closeness I had imagined.
And wouldn’t you know it—when they both moved out, they decided to get an apartment together! They ended up being much closer than I ever could have imagined.
By letting go of my expectations and trusting them to find their own way, their relationship naturally grew stronger. They’re closer than ever now, and I couldn’t be more proud of how their bond has developed—on their own terms, not mine.
The thing is that Manuals show up everywhere—in relationships with spouses, friends, coworkers—we have all these unspoken rules that we just expect people to follow. You might think, “A good friend should remember my birthday.” But if they don’t, does that really mean they don’t value you? Probably not.
It’s this illusion of control we have, thinking we can make people act a certain way. But we really can’t control anyone but ourselves. You might want your child to clean their room without being asked, but the more you nag, the more resistance you create.
Even though it feels like we should be able to guide people with our Manuals, it just doesn’t work that way. When they don’t follow our rules, we take it personally and get frustrated.
The bottom line is this: trying to control someone else’s behavior is exhausting and just doesn’t work. It’s way more effective to focus on what we can control—our own actions and reactions.
Recognizing the problem with “The Manual” is the first step to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. When we tie our happiness to whether people follow these unspoken rules, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.
It’s totally normal to have these Manuals, but understanding that we can’t control other people’s behavior—and that we can only control ourselves—frees us from a lot of unnecessary stress. Letting go of those unrealistic expectations lets us focus on what we can control: how we react and how we show up.
And the best part? When we loosen our grip on these invisible Manuals, we make space for more genuine connections. We can finally enjoy our relationships without all the pressure of unmet expectations, and that leads to a way more peaceful, satisfying life.
How to drop your Manuals
Alright, now that we’ve talked about what “The Manual” is and the trouble it causes, let’s get into how to actually let go of it.
First, take a good look at the people in your life and ask yourself: who do I have a Manual for? Be honest with yourself and acknowledge it. This is so important because these unwritten rules might be messing with your relationships more than you realize.
Think about specific situations where you’ve felt frustrated or let down. That awareness is the first step toward making a real change.
The next step is taking responsibility for your own rules. We need to shift the focus away from what other people should do and start managing our own expectations and actions. It’s about changing our mindset from trying to control others to understanding what we need and how we behave. And trust me, this can be super empowering.
Here’s the thing—you can ask your partner to take out the trash or ask your friend to call you more often. That’s totally fine. But the key is not tying your happiness to whether or not they do it. That’s where we get into trouble.
When I finally understood this, it completely changed my relationships. I stopped needing other people to behave a certain way because I realized my feelings come from my thoughts, not their actions. I could feel however I wanted, regardless of what they did or didn’t do.
Once you let go of all those rules and just listen to the other person—really hear them—things start to shift. You can appreciate them for who they actually are, not who you want them to be.
It doesn’t mean you can’t have preferences or make requests, but your emotional state isn’t hanging on whether they follow through or not. And let me tell you, that feels so much lighter.
When you stop trying to control other people and focus on what you can control—your own reactions and feelings—it changes everything. Relationships become more enjoyable, less stressful, and way more genuine.
I’ve seen it over and over—when we let go of the Manual, we create the space for people to show up as their authentic selves. And that’s when relationships really deepen. It’s amazing what happens when people feel accepted for who they are, without the pressure of having to live up to some invisible set of rules.
So, how do you actually do it? When you start feeling upset because someone isn’t following your Manual, take a step back and ask yourself: “Is this something I can control?” If the answer is no, shift your focus to what you can control—your own expectations and actions.
You can still express your needs, but do it without making your happiness dependent on whether or not they meet them.
Let me show you some before and after examples to make this really clear:
Before: You expect your partner to take out the trash every Tuesday without being asked. When they forget, you feel disrespected and unloved, and it leads to arguments. The relationship gets tense because your partner feels nagged, and you feel ignored.
After: You realize your partner didn’t intentionally forget. You gently remind them, but your happiness isn’t tied to whether or not they remember. The relationship feels more relaxed and appreciated, and the little stuff doesn’t turn into a big deal.
Before: At work, you expect your coworker to respond to emails within an hour. When they don’t, you feel disrespected, and it creates tension. You might start avoiding them or venting to others, which just hurts teamwork.
After: You realize your coworker manages their time differently. You communicate your need for timely responses but don’t take it personally if they don’t meet your exact timeline. This creates a more cooperative environment and less stress.
Before: You expect your friend to call you weekly, and when they don’t, you feel neglected. You interpret it as a sign they don’t value the friendship, leading to hurt feelings and maybe some passive-aggressive behavior.
After: You realize your friend might just be busy, and their lack of calls doesn’t mean they don’t care. You appreciate the times you do connect and let go of the weekly expectation. This takes the pressure off the friendship and helps it flourish.
Here’s a personal example: I used to expect my son Brendan to text me back immediately, especially after he moved 2,000 miles away. When he didn’t, I’d get all passive-aggressive, saying things like, “It would be nice if I didn’t have to wait a whole day for you to text me back.”
But in reality, I was creating a disconnect by holding onto my Manual. I realized I was the one responsible for how I felt, and I could create the feeling of connection just by thinking, “I love being Brendan’s mom” or “I’m so proud of him.”
Once I dropped my Manual and explained to him what was going on in my head, he told me he prefers phone calls over texting. Now, he calls me every day while I’m going through chemo, and we’ve never been closer. I owe it all to letting go of the Manual.
The bottom line is this: letting go of the Manual means taking full responsibility for your own happiness. It’s about realizing that no one else can make you feel a certain way—it’s your thoughts that control how you feel.
And let me tell you, this is so freeing. It opens the door to more positive, stress-free relationships, and it’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself and the people you love.
Questions to consider:
Question: “What unwritten manuals do I have for the people in my life?” Take a moment to reflect on the expectations you have for your spouse, kids, friends, or coworkers. Write down specific rules or behaviors you expect from them that you’ve never clearly communicated.
Question: “How can I adjust my expectations to focus on what I can control?” Identify a situation where you felt frustrated because someone didn’t follow your manual. Think about how you can shift your focus from their actions to your own reactions and manage your expectations accordingly.
Question: “What can I think or do to create my own happiness regardless of others’ behavior?” Consider a scenario where you’ve tied your happiness to someone else’s actions. Explore ways to change your thinking or take actions that will allow you to feel content and in control, regardless of what others do.