I’ve decided that as I notice certain topics coming up with my coaching clients, I’m going to cover those topics on this podcast. Even if you’ve heard me discuss the topic before, I think they’re worth revisiting.
The truth is that even if you’ve heard me or someone else discuss the topic of boundaries, you’re probably still struggling with setting and sticking with them. Even though I’ve worked on this for years, I still get tripped up every now and then.
Have you ever found yourself overwhelmed because you couldn’t say “no”? Do you often feel guilty for taking time for yourself? What do you picture when you think about boundaries?
Many people mistakenly believe that boundaries are rules meant to control others.
It’s a common misconception that boundaries are about telling people what they can or can’t do. In reality, boundaries are more about what you need to do than what others need to stop or start doing.
In other words, boundaries are less about changing someone else’s behavior and more about defining how you will respond if your limits are crossed. They’re about taking responsibility for your own well-being rather than trying to control others.
I believe that for working moms, setting boundaries is crucial. As we know all too well, managing a career while taking care of a family can be incredibly demanding.
Without proper boundaries, you might find yourself constantly working late into the night, missing out on family time, or feeling guilty for taking any time for yourself. Setting boundaries means recognizing your limits and ensuring you have time to recharge, which ultimately makes you more effective both at home and work.
One key aspect of boundaries is that they are for your benefit. They are a way to ensure you’re taking care of your own needs.
In the workplace, boundaries can help you manage expectations and workload. Unfortunately, it’s common for us to feel the need to prove our dedication by taking on more than we can handle.
However, this often leads to burnout and decreased productivity. When we’re not good at setting and sticking to boundaries, we’re opening the door to resentment.
The truth is that clear boundaries also improve relationships by reducing misunderstandings and conflicts. When people know and respect your limits, it creates a sense of mutual respect.
While it can be challenging to set and maintain boundaries, especially if you’re not used to it, they are essential for your health and happiness. By setting clear boundaries, you take control of your well-being and your time.
This week, I’m going to discuss understanding boundaries and their importance, and how to set and stick to boundaries.
Understanding boundaries and their importance
I think the reason this topic keeps coming up for my coaching clients is that boundaries can often be misunderstood. Many people think boundaries are about controlling others, but that’s not the case.
If you think you need to control or police someone else’s behavior, it’s no wonder you probably don’t want to set a boundary—that would be exhausting. Instead, boundaries are about defining what you will do to protect your own well-being.
Think of a boundary like the fence around your house. This fence shows where your property begins and ends, but it doesn’t force anyone to act a certain way. It simply defines where your space is.
Personal boundaries work in the same way—they define what you are comfortable with and how you will respond if those limits are crossed. Without clear boundaries, others might not know where your limits are, leading to confusion and frustration.
For example, physical boundaries are straightforward: most people know that hitting is not acceptable. You don’t control others to prevent hitting; you decide what you will do if someone crosses that line.
Verbal boundaries, however, can be trickier. Some people might not realize that raising their voice or being overly critical crosses a line for you. If you don’t clearly communicate how you will respond when that line is crossed, they might not understand the impact of their actions.
For example, rather than saying, “You need to stop yelling at me,” you might say, “If you raise your voice, I will leave the room.” This clarifies what action you will take without trying to control their behavior.
In the workplace, boundaries are crucial yet often unclear. You might feel pressured to answer emails after hours or take on more than you can handle. This isn’t about stopping others from sending emails late; it’s about deciding what you will do if it happens.
For example, if your boss regularly expects you to work late without considering your family commitments, a boundary might be saying, “I will be logging off at 6 PM to be with my family.” Here, you’re not demanding a change in their behavior; you’re defining your actions.
Family life also brings boundary challenges. A relative who drops by unannounced might expect you to entertain them immediately. Setting a boundary here isn’t about preventing their visits; it’s about deciding what you will do if they show up without notice.
You might say, “I need you to call before coming over. If you arrive without calling, I won’t be able to let you in.” This way, you’re defining how you will protect your space and time.
It’s important to understand that a boundary is not about controlling what the other person needs to do, but about what you will do if the boundary is crossed. Instead of saying, “You need to stop calling me after 9 PM,” you might say, “If you call me after 9 PM, I won’t answer the phone.”
This shift from controlling others to managing your own actions allows you to take responsibility for your well-being.
By defining what is acceptable for you and communicating it to others, you create an environment where your needs are respected. This leads to healthier, more balanced relationships where everyone understands and honors each other’s limits.
The bottom line is that boundaries are not about shutting people out; they’re about creating a space where you feel safe and valued. So, take the time to understand your own boundaries and communicate them clearly. It’s a powerful step towards a healthier, happier you.
How to set and stick to clear boundaries
I think one of the hardest things about boundaries and not only knowing how to set them, but how to stick to them. This confusion can make it seem like it’s just not worth it.
But it’s important to understand that setting boundaries is essential for creating a balanced and fulfilling life. You have to be willing to understand your limits, communicate them clearly, and not be overly worried about other people’s reactions.
Here is what I tell my coaching clients all the time – even though it might be uncomfortable, you are worth it. The boundaries I have set and stuck to have made my life so much more manageable and enjoyable.
If you struggle with setting and sticking to boundaries, here’s a guide to help you:
Self-awareness: Recognize What You Won’t Compromise On – Start by identifying what you need to feel comfortable and respected. Think back to times when you felt drained or resentful. These experiences are clues to where boundaries are needed. For example, you might realize you need time alone after work to decompress. If you don’t recognize this need, you may end up feeling constantly exhausted without understanding why.
Communication: Articulate Your Boundaries Clearly – Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to the people involved. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. For example, if you find that you need quiet time in the morning to get ready for the day, you can let your family know: “I need 30 minutes of quiet time in the morning to prepare for my day. During this time, I’ll be unavailable.” This way, you’re making your needs known without placing demands on others to change their behavior.
Enforcement: Stick to Your Boundaries Consistently – A boundary is only as effective as your commitment to enforcing it. If you set a boundary around your personal time, follow through with it. For example, if you’ve decided to dedicate Saturday mornings to a hobby, enforce that boundary by not accepting last-minute requests from others during that time. Let’s say a friend frequently invites you to impromptu brunches during that slot. You can say, “I’ve set aside Saturday mornings for my personal time, so I won’t be available then. I’m happy to make plans for another time that works for both of us.”
Here are some additional examples to help you see how setting and sticking to boundaries can work:
Example 1: Setting a Boundary Around Personal Commitments
Imagine you’ve committed to a weekly workout class that’s important for your mental and physical health. If someone asks you to skip it to help them with something non-urgent, you can say, “I’ve committed to this workout class on Wednesdays. I can help you afterward if it’s still needed.” This way, you’re respecting your own commitment while still offering to assist on your terms.
Example 2: Setting a Boundary with Co-workers
Let’s say a colleague frequently interrupts your focused work time with non-urgent requests. Instead of telling them they need to stop interrupting you, you can say, “I have focused work time from 10 AM to 12 PM. During that time, I won’t be available for non-urgent matters, but I’m happy to connect afterward.” You’re setting the expectation without trying to control when they reach out.
Example 3: Setting a Boundary with Extended Family
For this, maybe your extended family often expects you to host every holiday gathering. This year, you decide you need a break. You can communicate, “I’ve decided to take a break from hosting this year. I’m happy to join the celebrations, but I won’t be hosting this time.” This makes your boundary clear without trying to dictate how the family should handle the holiday.
The key to each example is that you’re stating what you will do, not what others must do. You’re setting the tone for how you will protect your time, energy, and well-being.
By staying consistent and following through, you show others how you expect to be treated. Remember, boundaries are about self-care and creating a space where you feel respected and valued.
One of the things that my coaching clients are often confused about is differentiating between boundary issues and personal preferences. For example, wanting someone to call you back promptly is a preference, not a boundary.
A boundary is about protecting your emotional and physical well-being. For example, not tolerating disrespectful behavior is a boundary, while wanting more frequent communication is a preference.
Another important aspect of setting is boundary is to come from a place of love and peace. In other words, do not set a boundary when you are feeling angry or annoyed.
This approach helps maintain the relationship and reduces the likelihood of conflict. For example, when I set a boundary with my father a number of years ago, I said, “I love you, but I do not want to be included on the negative emails you send. If you continue to include me, I will have to block your emails from now on.”
Here are some other examples of setting boundaries in various relationships:
Family: If a family member frequently asks for last-minute favors, you can say, “I’m happy to help when I can, but I need more notice to fit it into my schedule. If you need something, please let me know a few days in advance. Otherwise, I might not be able to assist.”
Work: If someone raises their voice at you, you could respond with, “I understand this is important, but I can’t engage in a conversation where voices are raised. Let’s discuss this when we can both speak calmly.”
Social Situations: If you have a friend who is always late, you can set a boundary by saying, “I value our time together, but if you’re more than 15 minutes late, I’ll go ahead with my plans without waiting.”
Whichever way you choose to set a boundary, following through on the consequences of boundary violations is crucial. If you don’t, your boundaries won’t be taken seriously. Consistency in enforcing boundaries builds trust and respect in your relationships.
If you’re still not convinced about setting and sticking to boundaries, here are some of the benefits to consider:
Increased Intimacy and Honesty: Setting clear boundaries actually makes your relationships stronger. When you let people know what you need and where your limits are, it opens the door for honest conversations. Both of you know what to expect, which can lead to deeper, more genuine connections. It’s like giving your relationships a solid foundation to grow on because everyone knows where they stand.
Reduced Resentment and Frustration: Boundaries are like a pressure valve for your emotions. When you don’t set them, you might end up saying yes to things you really don’t want to do, which can lead to feeling resentful and overwhelmed. But when you’re clear about your limits, you protect your time and energy, and you’re less likely to feel like you’re being taken for granted. This means fewer feelings of frustration and more peace of mind.
Empowerment and Self-Respect: Sticking to your boundaries is a powerful way to show yourself that you matter. When you set and enforce them, you’re essentially saying, “My well-being is important.” It boosts your self-respect and makes you feel more in control of your life. Plus, the more you practice setting boundaries, the more confident you become in all areas of your life.
And the last thing I want to discuss is setting time boundaries and how important they. As a working mom, your time is one of your most valuable resources.
Setting time boundaries is crucial to ensure you have the energy to juggle work, family, and personal needs. This might mean setting specific work hours, scheduling uninterrupted family time, or carving out moments just for yourself.
For example, you might decide not to check work emails after 6 PM or set aside Sunday afternoons for family activities.
These boundaries help prevent burnout and create a balance that allows you to be fully present in each area of your life. Remember, setting time boundaries isn’t about being rigid; it’s about protecting your well-being so you can show up as your best self—for both your career and your family.
Just remember that the key to setting and sticking to boundaries is that they are about what you will do, not about trying to change or control someone else’s behavior. This shift in perspective empowers you to take responsibility for your actions and reactions, leading to healthier interactions and relationships.
Questions to consider:
Question: What are some specific behaviors or situations that make you feel uncomfortable or stressed? Take a few minutes to identify and write down these triggers. Understanding your discomforts is the first step toward setting clear boundaries.
Question: How can you clearly communicate your boundaries to your family, friends, or colleagues? Think about specific phrases or methods you can use to express your limits respectfully and clearly. Practicing these in advance can help you feel more confident when the time comes.
Question: What are the consequences you are willing to enforce if your boundaries are crossed? Reflect on what actions you will take to uphold your boundaries. Consistency in enforcing consequences is key to ensuring your boundaries are respected.