Have you ever had a day when someone’s words or actions left you feeling completely off balance like your entire mood was suddenly out of your control? Or maybe you’ve found yourself stuck in a cycle of frustration and disappointment, wondering why certain situations always seem to trigger the same negative emotions.
What if the key to breaking free from these patterns wasn’t about changing other people but about changing something within yourself? How would things be different if you could feel calm and in control no matter what was happening around you?
I want you to think about how often you blame others when things go wrong. Maybe it’s your partner, your boss, or even that driver who cut you off in traffic. It’s easy to point fingers and think, “If only they hadn’t done that, I’d be fine.”
But what if the real question isn’t about what they did but about how you responded? What if the true source of your frustration isn’t external at all?
Imagine for a moment that you had the power to stay calm and centered, no matter what life throws your way. What if you could stop feeling like a victim of your circumstances and start feeling more in control of your emotions?
Have you ever wondered how much of your emotional energy is tied up in trying to control things—and people—you simply can’t?
The reason I wanted to do this episode is because this has become a recurring theme for myself and my coaching clients lately.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of blame, where it feels like the world is against you, or if you’re tired of feeling out of control when things don’t go as planned, then this episode is for you. The truth is that the way we handle our emotions has been keeping us stuck.
You might be thinking, “Is it really possible to change how I react, to stop blaming others, and to start feeling more empowered in my life?” The answer is yes, and it starts with understanding some key concepts that I’ll be discussing.
I want you to see how taking control of your emotional life can transform not just how you feel but how you live.
This week, I’m going to discuss the concepts of emotional childhood, emotional adulthood, and how to feel in control no matter what happens.
Emotional childhood
Emotional childhood is a term used to describe when we don’t take responsibility for our emotions. Instead of owning how we feel, we look to others to blame.
It’s that moment when we get frustrated or upset and immediately think, “This is their fault.” Whether it’s our partner, a colleague, or even a stranger, we put the responsibility for our feelings on someone else’s shoulders.
When we’re operating from this place, we often act out—maybe we snap at someone, withdraw, or throw a bit of an adult tantrum—because we believe that if others would just behave differently, we’d feel better.
But why do so many of us slip into this pattern? The roots of emotional childhood run deep, often beginning in our earliest experiences.
From a young age, many of us are taught—whether directly or indirectly—that other people are responsible for our emotions. Think about how often children hear phrases like, “Say you’re sorry for hurting her feelings,” or “You made him feel bad, so you need to apologize.”
While these statements are well-intentioned, they plant the seed that others have control over how we feel, and we have control over how they feel. As we grow up, this conditioning doesn’t just disappear; it often becomes more ingrained.
We continue to blame external factors—whether it’s the government, the economy, or our boss—when things don’t go our way. This habit of blaming others keeps us trapped in emotional childhood, preventing us from taking full responsibility for our own feelings.
In many ways, emotional childhood is a default mode that we fall back on because it’s what we’ve been taught. It feels easier to blame someone else than to look inward and recognize that we have control over our own feelings.
But staying in this place of blame and emotional reactivity keeps us disempowered, stuck in a cycle where we’re constantly at the mercy of others’ actions and the world around us. Understanding where emotional childhood comes from is the first step toward breaking free from it and moving into a more empowered state of emotional adulthood.
Emotional adulthood
Emotional adulthood is all about taking full responsibility for our emotions, no matter what’s happening around us.
For example, let’s say you’re stuck in traffic, running late for an important meeting. It’s easy to feel frustrated and blame the traffic for your bad mood. But in emotional adulthood, instead of letting the traffic dictate your emotions, you recognize that you’re in control of how you respond.
You might choose to take a few deep breaths, listen to some calming music, and decide that being late isn’t the end of the world. This shift from blaming the situation to owning your feelings is incredibly empowering. When we step into emotional adulthood, we start to see that our happiness is in our own hands, and we have the power to choose how we respond to any situation.
However, embracing emotional adulthood comes with its own set of challenges. It’s not always easy to take responsibility for our emotions, especially when we’re so used to attributing our feelings to the actions of others.
For example, let’s say a close friend cancels plans at the last minute. It’s natural to feel disappointed, maybe even hurt, and to blame them for ruining your evening. But emotional adulthood asks us to pause and consider how we might take responsibility for our reaction.
Instead of sulking or getting angry, you might acknowledge your disappointment but then choose to use the evening for some much-needed self-care or to catch up on a project you’ve been putting off.
It requires a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to look inward, even when it’s uncomfortable. But the rewards are significant: more control over our emotional life, stronger relationships, and a deeper sense of peace and empowerment.
That said, there are some common misconceptions about emotional adulthood that can make it seem daunting or even undesirable. One of the biggest misunderstandings is the idea that taking responsibility for your emotions means you’re supposed to ignore or dismiss the feelings of others.
Let me assure you, that’s not the case at all. Emotional adulthood doesn’t mean we stop caring about others’ feelings; it simply means we recognize that we can’t control them, and we don’t base our own emotional well-being on how others feel or behave.
For example, if a coworker is having a bad day and snaps at you, emotional adulthood allows you to be compassionate toward their struggles without letting their negativity ruin your mood. You can acknowledge their feelings, offer support if appropriate, but still maintain your own emotional balance.
Another common fear is that being responsible for our emotions makes us selfish or indifferent. Some of my coaching clients worry that if they focus on their own emotional management, they’ll come off as uncaring or disconnected.
In reality, the opposite is true. When we take responsibility for our emotions, we’re actually in a better position to be compassionate and understanding toward others, because we’re not reacting from a place of blame or neediness.
For example, in a relationship, instead of expecting your partner to make you happy all the time, you take responsibility for your own happiness. This frees your partner from the pressure of managing your emotions, which can actually lead to a more loving and supportive relationship.
Lastly, it’s important to distinguish between self-responsibility and self-blame. Emotional adulthood isn’t about beating yourself up when things go wrong. It’s about recognizing your role in your emotional experiences without falling into the trap of self-criticism.
For example, if you snap at a friend because you’re stressed, emotional adulthood would have you acknowledge that you’re responsible for your outburst, apologize sincerely, and then reflect on how you can better manage your stress in the future. Instead of blaming yourself and feeling guilty, you learn from the experience and move forward with more awareness and compassion for yourself.
By embracing emotional adulthood, we take control of our emotional lives in a way that leads to more fulfillment, better relationships, and a stronger sense of self. It’s not about perfection or always getting it right, but about continuously choosing to take responsibility for how we feel and act, no matter what life throws our way.
How to feel in control no matter what happens
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make the transition from emotional childhood to emotional adulthood. If you’ve ever felt powerless in various situations, this is the key.
Making the shift from emotional childhood to emotional adulthood starts with recognizing when you’re operating from a place of emotional childhood. This isn’t always easy, but it’s the first crucial step in taking control of your emotional life.
Start by paying attention to moments when you find yourself blaming others for how you feel.
For example, imagine you’ve had a rough day at work, and when you get home, you snap at your partner. At that moment, it’s easy to justify your behavior by thinking, “If only my boss hadn’t been so demanding, I wouldn’t be in such a bad mood.” This is a classic sign of emotional childhood—blaming someone else for your emotional state.
Another sign might be when you feel powerless or out of control in a situation.
Let’s say you’re frustrated because a friend didn’t return your call. You might find yourself stewing over it, thinking, “They don’t care about me,” and letting it ruin your day. Here, you’re giving away your emotional power to your friend’s actions rather than taking responsibility for how you respond.
The first step in shifting to emotional adulthood is owning your emotions. This means acknowledging that your feelings are the result of your own thoughts, not external events.
For example, if you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming presentation, instead of thinking, “This presentation is making me nervous,” you might reframe it as “I’m feeling nervous because I’m thinking that I might mess up.”
By recognizing that your thoughts create your feelings, you can start to take control over how you respond to those feelings. I teach my clients to continually tell themselves, “I’m feeling (fill in the blank) because I’m thinking (fill in the blank).”
They learn to make the connection between their feelings being caused by their thoughts, not because of people, places, or things.
It’s also helpful to reflect on situations where you’ve acted from emotional childhood and think about how you could have handled them differently.
For example, think about a time when you got into an argument with a family member and later regretted the things you said. Ask yourself: “What was I really feeling in that moment, and how did my thoughts fuel those feelings?”
By understanding the underlying emotions and thoughts, you can start to see how you might approach similar situations differently in the future—maybe by pausing before reacting, expressing your feelings calmly, or even choosing to walk away until you’re in a better frame of mind.
Making the transition from emotional childhood to emotional adulthood is a process that takes time and practice. But by recognizing when you’re slipping into emotional childhood, taking ownership of your emotions, stopping the blame cycle, and reflecting on your behavior, you can gradually shift into a more empowered and emotionally mature way of living.
The bottom line is that we all slip into emotional childhood without realizing it, but by becoming more aware of when it’s happening, we can take our power back and shift out of blame.
Questions to consider:
Question: “Am I blaming someone else for how I’m feeling right now?” This question helps you recognize when you’re slipping into emotional childhood and prompts you to take responsibility for your emotions.
Question: “How can I reframe my thoughts to take ownership of my emotional response?” By asking this, you can start to shift your perspective and see how your thoughts are influencing your feelings, which is key to moving into emotional adulthood.
Question: “What can I do differently in this situation to feel more empowered?” This encourages you to think proactively about how you can change your behavior or mindset to regain control over your emotions.