When was the last time you experienced a feeling of disappointment? That sinking feeling in your stomach when things didn’t go as planned, you didn’t get what you were hoping for, or someone behaves in a way you weren’t expecting?
Disappointment might be a normal part of life, but it’s still tough to deal with. Whether it’s a disappointment for ourselves or for someone else, it can manifest in various feelings like sadness, frustration, or even anger.
Depending on the level of disappointment, it can be mild or severe and can last for a short or long time. Situations like not getting a job you applied for, your child failing an exam they studied hard for, or being rejected by someone you care about can all lead to varying degrees of disappointment.
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been disappointed in my life – from something big like having to take the CPA exam 4 times to pass it and a friendship of 15 years ending with no explanation to something small like my favorite coffee creamer being out of stock and finding the remnants of a pillow my puppy chewed. Disappointment definitely comes in many shapes and sizes.
Even though disappointment is just a normal part of life, dealing with disappointment is an essential life skill that can affect our well-being. I believe we not only need to be more aware of how we experience disappointment but also how to be an example for our children.
For example, I’ll never forget watching how the parents reacted to a game loss when my daughter, Kelly, was playing travel soccer. To watch these grown adults throw toddler temper tantrums was sometimes amusing and other times alarming to watch, but especially for their children to watch as well.
But whether disappointment leads to feeling unmotivated, helpless, or hopeless, or it leads to negative behaviors, such as self-criticism, blaming others, or even depression, disappointment, and its aftermath, needs to be addressed. The truth is that understanding how to deal with disappointment is crucial to maintaining our mental health and achieving our goals.
While we all deal with disappointment in various ways, have you ever wondered why some people seem to handle disappointment better than others? Or why sometimes the same disappointment can affect us differently depending on the circumstances?
Well, if you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, you won’t be surprised by the answer to those questions. The answer lies in our brain’s role in how we deal with disappointment.
This week I’m going to discuss why we get disappointed, our brain’s role, and how to better handle disappointment.
Why we get disappointed
There are so many things and situations that we get disappointed about but where does disappointment come from? Why do we get disappointed?
The answer lies in our expectations. We experience disappointment when our expectations are not met.
This can happen in many different contexts, such as relationships, work, school, hobbies, and more. In any situation where we have an expectation, whether it’s conscious or not, the possibility for disappointment is present.
For example, a student who studies hard for an exam and receives a low grade may experience disappointment because their efforts did not yield the result they wanted. Similarly, a person who enters into a romantic relationship with high hopes but then experiences a breakup may feel disappointed because their expectations were not met.
One important aspect of disappointment is that it can be influenced by our past experiences. If we have experienced disappointment before, we may be more likely to expect it in the future, and may be more sensitive to events that trigger those feelings.
For example, someone who has experienced rejection in the past may be more likely to feel disappointed when they do not receive a job offer they were hoping for.
Cultural and social expectations can also play a role in shaping our experience of disappointment. In other words, based on the beliefs you were given growing up, you might be prone to disappointment in situations that others might not.
For example, in some cultures, academic success may be highly valued, and a failure to meet certain standards may be seen as a significant disappointment. In other cultures, social relationships and family obligations may be prioritized, and disappointment may arise when these expectations are not met.
Another thing that can influence our experience of disappointment is our personal values. What we prioritize in our lives can affect what we feel disappointed about.
For example, someone who places a high value on independence and self-sufficiency may feel disappointed when they need to rely on others for help. On the other hand, someone who values connection and community may feel disappointed when they are not able to build strong relationships with others.
One more thing that can shape our experience of disappointment is our individual perceptions of success and failure. In other words, if we have a narrow or rigid definition of success, we may be more likely to feel disappointed when we do not meet that standard.
On the other hand, if we have a more flexible or growth-oriented perspective, we may be better able to see setbacks and failures as opportunities for learning and growth, rather than sources of disappointment. It all depends on how we define success and failure.
Overall, disappointment can be a complex emotion that can be influenced by many different factors. Understanding these factors can help us to better cope with disappointment and to develop more adaptive ways of responding to setbacks and challenges in our lives.
Our brain’s role in feeling disappointment
When we experience disappointment, different parts of our brain start working together to create this feeling. It’s like a team of different players in a game, all working together to achieve the same goal.
The higher part of our brain, the part that helps us make decisions, plan ahead, and think about what might happen in the future, plays a pivotal role when we experience disappointment. This part of our brain typically tries to figure out what went wrong or what we could have done differently.
The lower part of our brain, the part responsible for processing our emotions, also plays a pivotal role. When we’re disappointed, the lower brain makes us feel emotions like sad or frustrated.
What’s important to understand about our brain’s role in feeling disappointment is that our brain also makes a feel-good chemical called dopamine, which can make us feel happy and excited, like when we’re looking forward to something, like a fun day at the park. Our brain releases dopamine to make us feel even more excited.
However, if we don’t get to go to the park after all, our brain stops releasing dopamine and starts making us feel disappointed instead. When dopamine isn’t present, we’re not going to be feeling those happier emotions.
Our lower brain can also trigger the feeling of disappointment even when we’re not really thinking about anything in particular. This part can make us start thinking a lot about why we feel disappointed, which can sometimes make us feel even worse.
And as I’ve shared on the podcast, our brain has a filtering system, referred to as The Reticular Activating System, that shows us more of what we think about or what we’ve deemed important. If we’re not careful, that filtering system will continue to show us more things to be disappointed about.
So how can we deal with disappointment in a more productive and effective way?
How to better handle disappointment
First, I want to share that there’s nothing wrong with feeling disappointment. You shouldn’t feel bad when you feel disappointed; it’s normal and can be cathartic at times.
It’s okay to be upset or sad when things don’t go as planned and to recognize and acknowledge your emotions. My suggestion is to talk to someone you trust, like a friend or family member about how you’re feeling because sometimes, just sharing your disappointment with someone who understands can help you process the disappointment.
The issue is when you can’t let the feeling go because your brain is spinning, like a faucet that can’t be turned off and the sink is about to overflow. What can often happen is a situation occurs, you feel disappointed, but then your brain relives the situation and the disappointment over and over again, perpetuating the feeling of disappointment.
The best news I have about dealing with disappointment is that you can turn the faucet off whenever you want. Just because it’s natural to feel disappointment doesn’t mean you don’t have any control over it, if and when you want to.
The feeling of disappointment is caused by a thought and thankfully your thoughts are 100% within your control. When it feels like the faucet won’t shut, pause and redirect your brain to think different thoughts; those new thoughts will create a different emotion than disappointment.
Next, it can be helpful to take a step back and reflect on the situation. Ask yourself questions like, “What did I learn from this experience?” or “What could I do differently next time?”
By looking for lessons and thinking about how you can grow from the disappointment, you can turn it into a learning opportunity. Remember, nobody is perfect, and setbacks happen to everyone.
It’s also important not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, just like you would be towards a friend who’s feeling down. Remind yourself that disappointment is a normal part of life and doesn’t define your, or others, worth or abilities.
Finding healthy ways to cope with disappointment is also important. Engage in activities that make you feel good, such as spending time with friends, taking a walk with your dog, or listening to podcasts. Doing things you enjoy can help lift your spirits and take your mind off the disappointment.
Setting realistic expectations can make a big difference too. Sometimes, we build up high expectations in our minds, and when they don’t match reality, we feel let down.
Try to set goals that are challenging but achievable. Celebrate the progress you make along the way, even if things don’t turn out exactly as you hoped.
There’s no shame in talking with a therapist if you feel you need to. Sometimes life can hand you a string of disappointments and it can be helpful to have someone help you unravel everything so that you can move forward.
Lastly, keep a positive mindset. Focus on the things that are going well in your life and the things you’re grateful for.
I have a daily gratitude practice where I share three things that I’m grateful for with a good friend and with my husband. It can help shift your perspective and remind you of the good things, even in the face of disappointment.
Remember, handling disappointment takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and keep trying different strategies until you find what works best for you.
Nothing has gone wrong if you feel disappointment. Just know that it’s all part of growing and becoming more resilient!
Summary
Even though disappointment is just a normal part of life, dealing with disappointment is an essential life skill that can affect our well-being.
I believe we not only need to be more aware of how we experience disappointment but also how to be an example for our children.