I want to start this episode by offering you a few questions to consider:
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed with the demands of work, family, and personal commitments?
Have you ever felt the need to say no but hesitated due to fear of disappointing others or feeling guilty?
Do you find it challenging to strike a balance between your career aspirations and the needs of your family?
What emotions come up when you think about setting boundaries and saying no to certain requests or tasks?
If you can relate to having difficulty saying no, you’re not alone. The constant struggle to balance work commitments, family obligations, and personal well-being can leave us feeling stretched thin, emotionally drained, and in dire need of a reset button.
Thankfully, in the midst of this chaos, there lies a powerful tool that can be both liberating and transformative: the ability to say no.
I want you to imagine a world where saying no is not a source of guilt or anxiety but rather an empowering act of self-care, where it’s a crucial skill to regain control over your time and energy. A world where everyone says what’s true for them, not fearing the repercussions of saying no.
For many of us, the desire to excel at work and be present for our families often leads to a dangerous habit – overcommitting. Whether it’s taking on extra projects at the office, volunteering for every school event, or attending social gatherings out of a sense of obligation, the result is the same: a calendar bursting at the seams and an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion.
The overcommitment issue isn’t just about a packed schedule; it’s about the toll it takes on our mental and physical well-being. Saying yes to everything might seem like the path to success, but it often leads to burnout and neglect of personal needs.
It’s an issue that, when not managed carefully, can leave us working moms feeling like we’re constantly falling short.
In this episode, I want to help you develop the art of saying no, not as a sign of weakness or disinterest; but rather, as a powerful declaration of our self-worth and a commitment to preserving our energy for what truly matters. I want us to learn how to set boundaries that safeguard our precious time.
This week I’m going to discuss the power of saying no, evaluating professional and personal priorities, strategies for saying no, and overcoming guilt and FOMO (fear of missing out).
The power of saying no
I want you to begin to picture your time and energy as precious resources. Just like you budget money, it’s essential to budget your time and energy, too.
Saying no is like setting healthy limits, ensuring that you have enough resources for what truly matters. It’s not about shutting people out; it’s about protecting your own space and well-being.
As I mentioned before, we have to understand the impact that overcommitting has on our well-being. Typically, we’re at the point of utter exhaustion when we realize we may have overcommitted ourselves.
So, I want you to start imagining carrying a backpack filled with rocks; each rock represents a commitment or task on your to-do list. Overcommitting is like adding more rocks, making your backpack heavier.
The heavier the load, the more challenging it is to move forward. Similarly, our well-being becomes an issue when we take on too much.
Recognizing this impact is the first step towards a lighter, more manageable load.
The problem for a lot of us is the feeling of guilt around the idea of saying no. Unfortunately, the feeling of guilt often creeps in because we believe we’re letting someone down.
It’s important to remember that saying no isn’t a rejection; it’s a way of taking care of yourself. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others on an airplane.
Deciding not to feel guilt means understanding that prioritizing your needs is not selfish but necessary for your own health and happiness. As I shared in episode #275 – How To Be More Selfish – we need to redefine what it means to be selfish.
As I shared in that episode, by definition, if we’re asking ourselves if we’re being selfish, we’re actually not being selfish. Bottom line – we have to begin to embrace the art of saying no, for our health and our well-being.
Evaluating personal and professional priorities
To truly embrace the art of saying no, it’s essential to start by evaluating your personal and professional priorities. Take a moment to reflect on what truly matters to you, both in your personal life and your career.
I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, so you may have already done this, but consider your values, aspirations, and the roles that bring you the most satisfaction. By gaining clarity on these priorities, you lay the foundation for a more intentional and purpose-driven approach to decision-making.
For example, if family time is a top priority, consider how your current professional commitments align with this value. Reflect on whether your personal and professional priorities work with or compete with each other.
This evaluation process allows you to identify areas where adjustments may be needed to create harmony between your personal and professional life.
The second thing is to recognize the value of your time and energy. The truth is that time and energy are finite resources, and recognizing their value is essential in the pursuit of a balanced life.
Start by reflecting on how you currently allocate your time and energy in both your personal and professional lives. Consider the activities that energize and fulfill you versus those that drain your energy.
Understanding the significance of time and energy empowers you to make conscious choices. It involves recognizing that every commitment, whether big or small, requires an investment of these precious resources.
By becoming mindful of where your time and energy go, you gain the ability to make intentional decisions that align with your identified priorities.
The next step in the process of identifying priorities is aligning your commitments with long-term goals. What are your overarching objectives in both your personal and professional life?
Take a step back and look at where you want to be in the future and how your current commitments contribute to or hinder those aspirations.
For example, if career advancement is a long-term goal, assess whether your current professional commitments align with this end result. Similarly, if personal well-being is a priority, consider how your daily habits and commitments contribute to your overall health and happiness.
Aligning commitments with long-term goals involves making intentional choices that move you closer to your desired outcomes. It’s about creating a roadmap that ensures the actions you take today contribute to the future you envision and that you’re intentional when you say no to things that don’t align with your priorities.
By keeping your long-term goals in mind, you incorporate purpose into your daily decisions and make it possible to support both your personal and professional goals.
Strategies for saying no
Saying no can be challenging, especially when faced with the fear of disappointing others. If you think about it, as little girls, we’re taught to make others happy, and we often would get in trouble for saying no.
However, mastering the art of saying no involves developing polite and assertive communication techniques. It’s about learning to say no without having to feel guilty about it.
If you’re concerned about coming off as impolite, my suggestion is to start by expressing gratitude for the request, acknowledging the importance of the opportunity, and then clearly but kindly declining.
Practice using a statement like, “I appreciate your offer, but unfortunately, I cannot commit to this at the moment.” By combining politeness with assertiveness, you establish boundaries without compromising your relationships.
The thing is, effective communication also involves body language and tone. Maintain a confident posture, make eye contact, and ensure your tone reflects your assertiveness.
Remember, saying no is not about confrontation; it’s about setting boundaries respectfully and confidently.
One of the keys to successfully saying no is setting realistic expectations, both for yourself and others. Understand your capacity, both in terms of time and energy, and be honest about what you can realistically take on.
By setting clear boundaries for yourself, you avoid overcommitting and ensure that your commitments align with your priorities.
Simultaneously, help others understand your limitations. Communicate openly about your workload and commitments, allowing colleagues, friends, and family members to appreciate your boundaries.
For example, there are very few things I say yes to during tax season. I know the energy I need to do the extra work during tax season, and unless my energy cup is full, I typically say no.
Another significant aspect of mastering the art of saying no is learning to decline without feeling obligated to provide a detailed explanation. While it’s natural to want to justify your decision, over-explaining can make it seem like you’re doing something wrong.
There is nothing wrong with saying no, which is why it can be helpful to practice saying no with confidence and simplicity.
For example, you can say, “I appreciate the offer, but it’s not possible right now.” Avoid the temptation to over-apologize or offer lengthy reasons.
Remember, your priorities and boundaries are valid, and you have the right to say no without feeling guilty. Learning this skill not only preserves your time and energy but also reinforces your ability to make choices that align with your well-being.
Overcoming guilt and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The last thing I want to talk about is overcoming guilt and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). There’s no denying that the feeling of guilt often goes hand in hand with saying no, especially for women.
Overcoming this guilt requires a shift in perspective. Understand that saying no is not a rejection but a declaration of your priorities and boundaries.
If this would be helpful, consider saying to yourself, “I’m not doing this TO them; I’m doing this FOR me.”
You need to recognize that by setting boundaries and saying no, you’re enhancing your ability to fulfill your commitments and be present where it truly matters. Shifting your perspective transforms saying no from a source of guilt to a powerful tool for safeguarding your well-being and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
It’s also important to understand that central to overcoming guilt and FOMO is embracing self-care. Begin to recognize that self-care is not a luxury but a necessity for your overall well-being.
When you say no to certain commitments, you’re saying yes to yourself. Embrace activities that recharge your energy, whether it’s taking a quiet walk, indulging in a hobby, or simply enjoying moments of solitude.
My husband just shared a NY Times article with me about the topic of saying no, and the author decided to quantify the time she would have spent if she said yes to something and then jot down what she got to do with that time instead. I absolutely love this idea!
So, for example, let’s say you say no to a party that would have been 30 minutes in commuting and 3 hours spent at the party. During the time that you would have been going back and forth and attending the party, jot down what you spent that time on instead.
Did you relax at home with your family? Did you catch up on some much-needed rest? Did you take a walk with your dog?
The thing is, by prioritizing self-care, you reinforce the importance of your own health and happiness, making it easier to overcome the guilt associated with saying no.
Begin to view self-care as an investment in your ability to fulfill your roles effectively. A well-cared-for accountant mom is better equipped to navigate the demands of work and family life.
Lastly, navigating the challenges of saying no is easier when you have a support network in place. Build a circle of friends, family, coaches, and colleagues who understand and encourage your goal towards a more balanced life.
Share your goals and challenges with them, and seek their understanding when you need to decline certain commitments. Having a support network provides not only emotional reassurance but also practical assistance when needed.
Be willing to have open conversations about the importance of setting boundaries and saying no. By normalizing these discussions, you create an environment where others can relate to your experiences and offer valuable insights.
But the bottom line is that the only person who needs to be okay with you saying no is you. Give yourself the gift of mastering the art of saying no.
Hopefully, you can now see that by weaving some of the things I shared into your daily life, you’ll learn how to prioritize your time and energy for what matters most, and that’s you.
Summary
Saying yes to everything might seem like the path to success, but it often leads to burnout and neglect of personal needs.
It’s important to remember that saying no isn’t a rejection; it’s a way of taking care of yourself.