We’ve all been there—whether it’s a coworker, a family member, or even a fellow parent, some people just seem to drain our energy. As a working mom, your plate is already overflowing, and dealing with people who constantly bring negativity or stress into your life can feel like the last straw.
It’s tempting to call these individuals “toxic” and hope that avoiding them will make things better. But have you ever noticed that even when you distance yourself, they still seem to occupy space in your mind?
The truth is that the term “toxic” gets thrown around a lot these days. We use it to describe people whose behavior makes us feel uncomfortable, angry, or even downright miserable.
But what if I told you there’s no such thing as a toxic person? Stay with me here—it might sound strange, but this perspective could actually make your life a whole lot easier.
As a mom balancing both work and home life, your time and energy are precious. So when someone repeatedly brings you down or stresses you out, it’s easy to believe that they are the problem. They’re the ones creating the stress, right?
But here’s the thing: labeling someone as “toxic” can actually make things harder on you. Why? Because when you think of someone as toxic, you’re giving them control over how you feel.
It’s like saying, “They’re the reason I’m upset,” which means the only way to feel better is for them to change. And how often does that really happen?
This episode isn’t about pretending that difficult people don’t exist or giving them a free pass. It’s about understanding that the power to manage those interactions—and how they make you feel—rests in your hands, not theirs.
So instead of feeling stuck, stressed, or frustrated by these “toxic” people, what if you could shift your mindset and take back control? By the end of this episode I want you to be equipped with a new way of thinking that can help you handle those tricky people in your life, without letting them derail your day.
And since many of us will be around more people than usual with the holidays coming up, I believe this is the perfect episode for dealing with anyone in your life, personally or professionally.
This week, I’m going to answer the question, “Are they really toxic, or are you just triggered?” and discuss how to take back control and handle your reactions.
Are they really toxic, or are you just triggered?
You know how some people just seem to know exactly how to get under your skin? Maybe it’s that coworker who always has something to complain about, or a family member who can’t stop criticizing everything you do. It’s exhausting, right?
It’s so easy to think, “They’re the problem!” I mean, it feels obvious—they’re the ones bringing all this negativity. But what if the real issue isn’t them? What if how you think about their behavior is making you feel how you feel?
Here’s the thing: it’s not actually about them. It’s about the thoughts their behavior triggers in you.
Let me give you an example. Imagine you’re already swamped at work, and that one coworker you can’t stand comes up and nitpicks your project. Your brain immediately goes, “They’re so negative. Here we go again.” And just like that, your mood flips from calm to completely irritated. But was it their comment that ruined your mood, or was it your thought about them?
Or how about this: you’ve got that relative who always has something to say about your parenting. Every time you see them, you brace yourself for the inevitable, “I don’t know why you let your kids stay up so late.” It’s like clockwork. But here’s the thing—was it really their comment that made you defensive, or was it the thought, “They’re always judging me,” that set you off?
And then there’s that friend who’s always in the middle of some drama. Every time you meet up, they turn the conversation into a pity party. You leave feeling totally drained, thinking, “Why can’t they ever be positive?” But is it really them, or is it the way you’re reacting to what they’re saying?
Here’s the secret: no one can make you feel anything without your permission. It’s the thoughts running through your head—like “They don’t respect me” or “They’re so negative”—that are causing all those emotions. That’s why one person can shrug off a rude comment while someone else feels like it ruined their day.
As a working mom, it’s tough because you’ve already got so much on your plate. When someone throws a snide remark your way, it’s easy to think, “They’re making my life harder.” But what’s really happening is your brain is creating a story about what they said—and that’s what’s making you feel stressed.
Next time you feel like someone is “toxic,” try pausing and asking yourself: is it them, or is it how I’m reacting to them? The moment you start noticing how your thoughts are creating your feelings, you’ll realize they don’t have as much power over you as you thought.
And here’s the best part: when you stop labeling people as toxic and take charge of your own reactions, you take back all your power. They don’t get to control your mood anymore.
So, if it’s not really about them but about how you’re reacting, how do you change that? Let’s figure out how to handle those moments so you can stay in control and feel like yourself again.
How to take back control and handle your reactions
The good news is, you have way more power in these situations than it might feel like. You can’t control how other people behave, but you can control how you respond—and that can change everything.
Here’s how to take back control in five simple steps. Let’s walk through a single example so you can see how it all works together.
Step 1: Pause Before You React
When someone says or does something upsetting, it’s so easy to react on instinct. Maybe you argue, get defensive, or shut down completely. Instead, try pausing for a moment. Take a deep breath and give yourself a beat to process.
Example: Imagine you’re at a family gathering, and that one relative (you know the one) says, “I don’t know why you let your kids get away with so much.” Your first instinct might be to snap back or defend yourself. Instead, you take a deep breath and pause. You don’t have to say anything right away. That pause gives you a chance to stay in control instead of letting their words control you.
Step 2: Identify What’s Really Triggering You
Now that you’ve paused, take a second to figure out why this comment upset you. Was it the words themselves, or was it the meaning your brain attached to them? Often, it’s not the comment—it’s the thought behind it.
In this case, maybe the comment triggered a thought like, “They think I’m a bad parent.” That thought is what’s stirring up all those feelings of defensiveness and frustration—not the comment itself. Recognizing this helps you see that your emotions are coming from your interpretation, not from their words.
Step 3: Choose How You Want to Respond
Once you’ve identified what’s triggering you, it’s time to decide how you want to handle the situation. Do you want to argue and let their words ruin your day, or do you want to stay calm and protect your peace?
Here, you might choose to respond calmly and set a boundary. Instead of snapping back, you could say, “I appreciate your opinion, but I handle things differently with my kids.” It’s simple, clear, and doesn’t invite further conflict.
Step 4: Set Boundaries (If Needed)
If this kind of behavior happens often, you might need to set a stronger boundary. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person—they’re about making it clear what you will and won’t tolerate.
If this relative keeps making comments about your parenting, you could follow up with something like, “I’m happy to talk about other topics, but I won’t discuss how I parent my kids. Let’s change the subject.” It’s calm, respectful, and lets them know your limit.
Step 5: Practice Letting Go of Their Power Over You
Finally, remind yourself that you’re in control of how much this person’s behavior affects you. You can’t stop them from making comments, but you can decide not to take them personally.
Instead of stewing over their words later, you remind yourself, “Their opinion doesn’t define me. I’m confident in my parenting choices.” The more you practice this, the less their words will bother you, and over time, you’ll notice their comments don’t hold the same power over you anymore.
Or let’s say you have that one coworker who loves to shift blame and make you look bad. It’s infuriating, right? But here’s the thing—you don’t have to let them mess with your head or your work.
For example, let’s say you’re in a meeting, and they blame you for missing a deadline that was actually their fault. Instead of jumping in to defend yourself right away, you pause. You remind yourself you don’t need to react emotionally—you can handle it calmly and on your terms.
The next step is to ask yourself why their behavior is getting to you. Is it the blame itself, or is it the thought, “They’re making me look bad,” or “My boss is going to think I messed up”? Figuring this out helps you focus on what you can control.
Now that you’ve paused and figured out your trigger, decide how to respond. Stay calm and stick to the facts—you don’t need to match their negativity.
For example, after the meeting, you approach them and say, “I noticed you mentioned the missed deadline was mine, but the timeline shows it was assigned to you. Let’s check to make sure we’re clear moving forward.” It’s professional and to the point, and it keeps the focus on the work, not the drama.
If this keeps happening, you’ll need to set boundaries. Let them know how you expect to work together and what you won’t tolerate by saying something like, “I want us to work as a team, but I need us to talk about issues privately instead of bringing them up in meetings. It’s important we’re on the same page before involving others.” You’re being direct but respectful—and that sets the tone.
And the last step is typically the most challenging – not letting their behavior get in your head. Their actions don’t define your work or who you are. Focus on what you can control—your own professionalism—and let the rest go.
Instead of stewing about what they said, remind yourself, “This isn’t about me—it’s about them. I know I’m doing my job well, and that’s what matters.” The more you practice this, the less their behavior will bother you.
At the end of the day, difficult people are going to act the way they act. But by pausing, identifying your triggers, choosing your response, setting boundaries, and letting go of their influence, you take back control of how you feel. You’ve got the tools—you just have to use them.
Questions to consider:
Question: “Who in my life do I label as toxic, and how does that label affect how I feel and respond to them?” Think about someone you’ve been calling “toxic” and ask yourself how labeling them that way impacts your emotions and actions. When you see someone as toxic, you’re giving them a lot of control over how you feel. This question helps you recognize that it’s not the person, but the way you think about them, that’s causing you stress.
Question: “What triggers my emotional reaction when dealing with this person, and what thoughts are driving that reaction?” The next time you’re around this person, pay attention to your immediate reaction. What are the specific thoughts running through your mind? For example, are you thinking, “They don’t respect me” or “They always try to make me feel bad”? These thoughts are what really create your emotional response, not the person’s behavior itself. Understanding this helps you gain control over how you feel.
Question: “How can you set a boundary or change your response the next time this person acts in a way that frustrates you?” Instead of reacting on autopilot, think about how you can respond differently the next time this person frustrates you. Maybe it’s setting a boundary or calmly choosing not to engage in their negativity. Having a plan in place helps you stay in control and prevents their behavior from affecting your mood or energy as much as it normally would.