As I’ve shared on this podcast before, I listen to a lot of other podcasts for my own knowledge and growth. I follow a lot of other coaches who studied at the same school I did and who are discussing the same topics but in different ways because I think we can learn so much from each other’s perspective on the same thing.
I once heard an interesting explanation regarding our unique perspective on things: a question was posed – if 10 people were in a room with one chair in the room, how many chairs would there be? It’s not a trick question. The answer is 10 – each person has their own thoughts and perception of that chair.
Someone may describe the chair as blue, someone else might say the chair is tall, and someone else might say they love it because it reminds them of a similar chair in their grandmother’s house when they were growing up. The point is that the same exact object can have varying opinions and descriptions.
This is why I love listening to various podcasts because I learn something different about the same subject from each one. So when I listened to a podcast by a fellow certified coach, Jody Moore, I knew I needed to share something she discussed, but with my own interpretation.
The topic she discussed was a concept she called “the thought in parentheses.” I was so intrigued by it that I knew I needed to share the concept on this podcast.
She explains that the thought in parentheses is a concept that will help you release feelings of resistance and frustration when you come across thoughts that aren’t serving you. It’s an advanced topic, but for those of you who have been listening to this podcast for a while or have gone through one of my coaching programs you’re going to be as intrigued as I was.
If you haven’t been listening to the podcast long, here’s a super quick summary of how our brain works – you have over 60,000 thoughts a day, and 90% or more of them you are not consciously aware of. This is true for all of us, no matter what we do for a living, how many kids we have, or what our life situation is.
If you have a human brain, you have tens of thousands of thoughts a day. But the most important thing to know is that those thoughts create your feelings. Your feelings don’t just “happen;” you have a thought, and that thought creates a feeling.
That’s a simplified explanation of thoughts that you need to know before I dive deeper into this advanced topic. The truth is that all day, every day, you have tens of thousands of thoughts, most of which you are not aware of, and those thoughts cause how you feel.
When coaching clients work with me, I teach them how to become more aware of their thoughts and what to do with that awareness, but for now, all you need to know is that it’s perfectly normal to have lots of thoughts you are unaware of.
This week I’m going to discuss the concept of thought parentheses and how to identify them.
The concept of thought parentheses
When I work with my coaching clients, one of the first things I teach them is how to separate facts from their thoughts about facts. For example, “There’s too much to do” is a thought; it’s not a fact. The fact is whatever you’re having that thought about – maybe you have a project due at work, or a long to-do list, or there’s a deadline coming up like tax season.
This concept is important to understand because facts are typically not within our control. They are the people, places, and things in our lives; they are the things people say and do; they are irrefutable and not an opinion.
More importantly, we often think that facts are the problem, but they never are. The truth is that our thoughts about facts are always the cause of our problems.
This is great news, but this is also why my clients want to work with me and why they have such huge transformations in their careers and lives because it sounds simple to be able to become aware of what’s a fact and what’s a thought until you try to apply it to your life. We all have blind spots that we cannot see without someone else’s assistance.
I’ve been a coach for years, and I still get coached all the time because I have lots of blind spots. There are many things that I believe are facts but are actually my thoughts about facts.
For example, for most of my career in public accounting, I had thoughts like, “Tax season is hard” and “I don’t have enough time.” Every other accountant that I worked with would agree, but just because a lot of us think the same thing doesn’t make it a fact.
The fact was the actual work that had to get done; the fact was the date on the calendar; the fact was there was a deadline imposed by the IRS. Those were facts, but “Tax season is hard” and “I don’t have enough time” were my thoughts about the facts.
Another way to look at it is that a fact can be proven in a court of law. I could prove that I had specific work to get done, that there was a particular date on the calendar, and that there was a deadline imposed by the IRS, but “Tax season is hard” is an opinion, not a fact, and “I don’t have enough time” is also an opinion or a perception.
So why does this all matter? Because we often have thoughts after our thoughts that we also believe are factual, but they’re not that obvious. We have thoughts in parentheses after our thoughts.
The example that Jody offered on her podcast is, let’s say your teenager says, “Mom, you’re so stupid.” That would be a fact that your child said those exact words.
Now your thought about that fact could be, “She doesn’t respect me.” The real problem isn’t your thought that your child doesn’t respect you; the real problem is the thought in parentheses after that thought which could be something like “And she should” or “If I was a better mother, she would.”
It’s the thought in parentheses that can make “She doesn’t respect me” into a problem. If you have the thought “She doesn’t respect me” with the parentheses thought “And she should,” you’re believing that all teenagers should respect their parents, even though it’s not uncommon for teenagers to lash out in the awkward stage of gaining independence.
You don’t need to stop thinking the thought, “She doesn’t respect me,” but you do have the option to change the thought in parentheses to not make it into a bigger problem for you. The thought in parentheses can either make it worse or neutralize it.
For example, you could still keep the thought, “She doesn’t respect me,” but instead of “And she should,” you could choose “And sometimes teenagers don’t respect their parents” or “And it’s not unusual for teenagers” or “And it’s really not about me.”
Thinking, “My child doesn’t respect me (and she should),” isn’t going to drive the most effective parenting or have you show up in a way where you respect yourself or her. By switching to “My child doesn’t respect me (and that’s not unusual),” you step out of resistance and can set effective boundaries.
The truth is that our thoughts in parentheses can make our thoughts into a problem, or they can neutralize them. “My child doesn’t respect me (and I can remember when I pushed back against my parents)” is going to make it much easier to have a conversation with your teenager.
Now I’m going to share a quick way to identify your thought parentheses.
How to identify your thought parentheses
As I said before, you have to first separate the facts from your thoughts about the facts. That is incredibly important and isn’t always easy.
When I work with my coaching clients and ask them to tell me about a situation that they’re dealing with, their explanation has very few facts. Most of what they tell me is actually their thought about the facts.
So just know that it can be tricky, especially if you’re not willing to be wrong about the difference between a fact and a thought. Our brains will often want to hold onto a thought or a belief so tightly that it’s challenging to realize that it’s optional.
For example, if you’ve had a long, tumultuous relationship with your mother-in-law and I tell you that the thought “My mother-in-law is difficult” is a thought and not a fact, your brain is going to want to defend that it’s a fact. The longer you’ve thought something, the harder it is to see that it’s just a thought, not a fact.
This tricky way our brain works is why I strongly suggest working with a coach. A coach can help you loosen the grip on the thoughts you believe are facts and help you uncover what’s getting in the way of you having the results you want.
So in order to find the thought in parentheses, you have to ask yourself some questions. The first question is, “So what?” the second question is, “What are you making it mean?” and the third question is, “Why is this a problem?”
In the example of your teenager saying, “Mom, you’re so stupid,” you’d want to ask yourself those three questions – “So what?” “What am I making it mean?” and “Why is this a problem?” That will not only give you the thought, but it will also give you the thought in parentheses.
So the fact in that example is that your teenager said the words, “Mom, you’re so stupid,” and your brain made that mean, “My child doesn’t respect me.” Now you apply the questions – “So what?” “What am I making it mean?” and “Why is this a problem?”
The answer to those questions would give you the thought in parentheses like, “And she should” or “If I was a better mother, she would.” By uncovering the thought after the thought “My child doesn’t respect me” you give yourself the opportunity to check in with how that thought makes you feel.
“My child doesn’t respect me (and she should)” is going to create a feeling like anger or sadness, but “My child doesn’t respect me (and most teenagers go through this stage)” will create a feeling like acceptance or neutrality.
More importantly, how you feel is going to drive your actions. Feelings like anger or sadness are going to create much different actions than feelings like acceptance or neutrality and will give you vastly different results.
I know this is a little advanced for those of you who may have just started listening to this podcast so I suggest you play around with this concept. For those of you who’ve been listening for awhile or that I’ve personally coached, add this to your toolbox.
Becoming aware of your thought parentheses will add a deeper awareness of what might be getting in the way professionally and personally. As you know, when you understand the cause, you have the opportunity to change the effect.
Summary
The truth is that our thoughts in parentheses can make our thoughts into a problem, or they can neutralize them.
Our brains will often want to hold onto a thought or a belief so tightly that it’s challenging to realize that it’s optional.