Motherhood is often seen as one of the most fulfilling and rewarding experiences of a woman’s life. However, it is also a complex and multifaceted concept that can be as unique as the woman who is called a mother.
For many of us, the idea of mothering is tied to traditional notions of caretaking, nurturing, and sacrifice. However, the reality is that there is no one “right” way to be a mother, and the expectations and pressures placed on us can often be unrealistic and damaging.
The pressure to conform to societal expectations of motherhood begins from the moment we become pregnant or decide to bring a child into our lives. We are bombarded with messages about what it means to be a “good” mother, from the books we read to advice from family, friends, and even strangers.
Back in the day when I had my children, the book “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” and “What To Expect The First Year” were super popular. I have a picture of me giving my first child, my daughter Kelly, her first sponge bath on her changing table, and I had the book “What To Expect The First Year” propped up on the table next to me in order to ensure I didn’t mess it up.
Like most first-time mothers, I was worried about a lot of things. I remember crying but also being relieved when a lactation specialist told me that breastfeeding might not be in the cards for me.
Not only do we put pressure on ourselves as mothers, but social media has also created a culture of comparison and judgment in which mothers feel pressure to present themselves as flawless and faultless. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame and can make it difficult for mothers to find their own way of mothering.
However, the reality is that motherhood is a subjective concept that can vary depending on a variety of factors. Historical and cultural differences, social and personal factors, and individuality can all influence a woman’s understanding of what it means to be a mother.
This means there is no “right” way to be a mother. Each woman must define motherhood for herself based on her own values and needs.
You might have other mothers that you look up to, but that doesn’t mean their way is the right way, either. If you’re not intentionally choosing your own definition of mothering at various stages of your children’s lives, your definition of mothering right now might be wrong – for you and for them.
Whether you’re a mother or stepmother, a first-time mother or a seasoned pro, have a young child or an entire house full, or you’re an empty nester, your definition of mothering matters. We need to have more conversations about what it means to redefine motherhood and find a path that feels right for you.
This week I’ll be exploring the subjectivity of motherhood, the societal expectations placed on mothers, and the importance of redefining motherhood for yourself.
The Subjectivity of Motherhood
There’s no denying that there are many different concepts of motherhood. Historical and cultural differences, social and personal factors, and individuality can all influence a woman’s understanding of what it means to be a mother.
For example, in some cultures, motherhood is seen as the primary role of women and is tied to ideas of femininity and nurturing. In other cultures, motherhood may be seen as less important or maybe less emphasized.
In addition, social and personal factors can shape a woman’s understanding of motherhood. For example, a woman’s socioeconomic status, education level, and family background can all influence her experiences of motherhood.
A woman who grew up in a household where her mother worked full-time may have a different understanding of motherhood than a woman who grew up in a household where her mother stayed at home. Similarly, a woman who has struggled with infertility may have a different perspective on motherhood than a woman who has easily conceived and carried a child to term.
When I was 3 years old, my dad divorced and won full custody of me. He then married my stepmother, but throughout my life, she was truly the only mother I ever really knew. She didn’t give birth to me, but she was my mother.
It’s also important to understand that each woman’s individuality can play a role in how she defines motherhood. Personal values, beliefs, and experiences can all shape a woman’s understanding of what it means to be a mother.
For example, a woman who values independence and autonomy may have a different understanding of motherhood than a woman who values interdependence and connectedness. Ultimately, the subjectivity of motherhood means that there is no one correct way to be a mother.
Each of us must define motherhood for ourselves based on our own values and needs. This can be a challenging and sometimes daunting task, as there are so many messages in our culture about what it means to be a “good” mother.
However, it is important for us to recognize that we have the power to define motherhood for ourselves and that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. By embracing the subjectivity of motherhood and defining it for ourselves, we can create a sense of empowerment and agency in our roles as mothers.
We can also build stronger and healthier relationships with our children and partners as we are able to communicate our needs and desires more effectively. The truth is that just because you are a mother to your children doesn’t mean that that role needs to be defined by anyone but you.
The pressure to conform to societal expectations
As mothers, we are bombarded with messages about what it means to be a “good” mother. These messages often reflect societal expectations and are deeply ingrained in our culture.
As a result, many of us feel pressure to conform to these expectations, even if they do not align with our own values or needs. One of the most pervasive societal expectations placed on mothers is the idea that they should prioritize their children above all else.
We are often expected to be “perfect” caregivers, devoting all of our time and energy to our children while neglecting our own needs and desires. Unfortunately, social media can exacerbate these expectations by creating a culture of comparison and judgment, in which we feel pressure to present ourselves as flawless and faultless.
Unfortunately, this expectation can manifest in a variety of ways, from the pressure to breastfeed exclusively to the expectation that we should always be available to our children, regardless of our own needs or desires.
This can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy for those of us who struggle to meet these expectations or who choose to prioritize our own needs. The issue is that we are often expected to be selfless and sacrificial, putting the needs of our families before our own and leading to a lack of self-care.
When this issue goes unaddressed, it can contribute to feelings of burnout and resentment. We’re not only expected to be perfect and have all the answers but also to be able to do it all and not complain about it.
Maybe you’ve experienced this – where you are judged for your parenting choices, from how you feed your children to how you discipline them. This can be incredibly hurtful and further contribute to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
I may have shared this story before, but I was in a bowling league with the school PTA, and one Monday, when everyone was sharing what they had done over the weekend, I said that I had gone upstate to my parent’s trailer by myself. Every woman’s head whipped around with looks of judgment, so I explained that getting away by myself and leaving the kids with their father was my form of self-care.
One of the women came up to me later and whispered, “Good for you.” Why did she need to whisper that instead of saying it in earshot of others? Because these women did not agree with my form of self-care.
Here’s the thing – it is important to recognize that societal expectations are not necessarily based on what is best for us and our families. Instead, they reflect cultural norms and traditions that may no longer be relevant or helpful.
By recognizing and challenging these expectations, we can redefine motherhood for ourselves and create a sense of agency and empowerment in our roles as mothers. In order to do this, it is important for us to reflect on our own values and needs and to prioritize self-care and self-compassion.
It is also essential for us to seek out support and community, whether that be through friends, family, or professional resources. By doing so, we can create a new narrative around motherhood that reflects our needs and desires and empowers us to be the best mothers we can be.
We can create healthier and happier families and find a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in our roles as mothers.
Redefining Motherhood for Yourself
Redefining motherhood for yourself is a process that requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge societal norms and expectations. It involves recognizing that there is no one-size-fits-all right way to be a mother and that every woman’s journey will be different.
The truth is that what works for one family may not work for another. What works for one working mom may not work for another.
One important aspect of redefining motherhood for yourself involves taking the time to identify where your current definition came from, what is truly important to you as a mother and what you need to feel fulfilled and happy in your role. This may involve setting boundaries around your time and energy, defining and prioritizing self-care, or finding support in various ways.
I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but it’s also important to recognize that self-care is not selfish and that taking care of yourself is essential to being a good mother. Your definition of self-care is as unique as you are, so whether that involves prioritizing activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as exercise, hobbies, spending time with friends or spending time alone, you get to decide for yourself without anyone else’s input.
Another important aspect of redefining motherhood is challenging societal expectations and norms. This may involve questioning commonly held beliefs about what it means to be a “good” mother and recognizing that these expectations are often based on beliefs that may not be relevant or helpful for every family.
I worked with a client who struggled with her role as a mother due to her own mother’s lack of involvement in her life. When we made a list of the qualities she initially felt made a good mother, she was surprised by her knee-jerk definition.
She realized it was unhealthy, unhelpful and was creating the feeling of resentment towards her children and her role as a mother. Once she allowed herself to redefine her role in a more intentional way, she could see how differently she would feel and act, allowing her to embrace this intentionally defined role.
Redefining your own role may also involve standing up to judgment and criticism from others. It might entail recognizing that your worth as a mother is not determined by others’ opinions or judgments.
When my children were younger, the measuring stick I used to define whether I was a good mother was my own mother, but that comparison wasn’t practical or helpful. I needed to take the time to redefine the role for myself based on my situation, personality, wants, and needs, not hers.
It’s wonderful if you have great examples of mothering in your life, but ultimately, redefining motherhood for yourself is about creating a sense of empowerment. It’s about recognizing that you have the power to define your own experience and that your worth as a mother is not determined by external factors or societal expectations.
When we redefine mothering for ourselves, we have the opportunity to create a new narrative. But it’s also important to understand that the definition you choose now may not be the same definition you have as your children get older.
For example, as my children have grown and left the nest, I am continually redefining my role in their lives. Now, it’s more about letting go and accepting their adulthood; about becoming good friends; about letting them teach me, rather than me needing to always be the teacher; about sitting back in awe of who they’ve become.
I hope this episode helps you to be open to being wrong about your current definition of mothering and that you take some time to yourself to journal what you’d like your definition to be. My greatest lessons have come when I’ve been willing to be wrong.
I wish the same for you as well. Be willing to be wrong so that you can redefine what’s right for you.
Summary
This means there is no “right” way to be a mother. Each woman must define motherhood for herself based on her own values and needs.
Whether you’re a mother or stepmother, a first-time mother or a seasoned pro, have a young child or an entire house full, or you’re an empty nester, your definition of mothering matters.